04/01/2010 by etiennefish
Yes, I’ve spent the last couple weeks almost in the UK, hanging out with old friends and making new ones. It was a good way to end the year and start a new one. I leave tomorrow, early, to head back to work and ‘real life,’ which is a sobering proposition. Once again, I am reminded that I waste a lot of my time. I don’t intend to do this, but somehow I can’t stop. It is a failing, and once again, my high hopes for uber-productivity at a convenient time and place were dashed, and lassitude reigned supreme. One day I’ll wake up and realise my whole life has passed me by without a second thought. Yes, yes, I have obviously slipped into the melancholy stupor that is often associated with the post holiday hangover. There is no real reason for this everlasting case of the Mondays, but I can’t shake it. I keep thinking back to people who’ve impacted my life, to those I miss, even years removed, and to choices I’ve made that maybe I’d not make again. Maybe I was once on the path to my own personal greatness, but even as I try and take steps forward on a road that seems to be going in the proper direction, I look back and wish I didn’t feel like I was only going through the motions, or that I’d gone the wrong way. I’m getting too old to drift, I think. I need a purpose that feels right. I want to feel driven and fulfilled (but is that even realistic?). I want some place to call home, even if I’m not there often.
But on the other hand, I want to get out of this inane blackness that is sucking me down, and go back to living life one day at a time, with only ephemeral plans for the future, which shift with the wind.
PS- I’ll play catch up with myself soon, and add all sorts of updates!