All lost… Again…

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12/11/2010 by etiennefish

So once again, my past has been wiped clean. Okay, realistically, I know that this is a bit dramatic, but I’m not really feeling all that realistic these days. I don’t know why, but over and over again I seem to lose, despite all best intentions, and generally through no fault of my own, all the things that matter most to me about my past: photos, and writings, and past documents of my life. In fact, when it comes down to it, at this point, I only have any form of documentation for perhaps a year out of my life. Full stop. End of story. I mean, I realise my parents have photos from when I was a kid, but that’s actually all that’s left. Past and history is one of the most important things for me. I can’t help it. Between computers breaking down irreparably, computers being stolen, external hard drives being stolen, moving far too often, and having no idea what happened to things I left behind that I thought were in safe keeping but couldn’t afford to go back for, there’s nothing left.

I finally built what I could back up over the last year. I found as many old things as I’d written floating online as I could, I wrote a lot more. I catalogued and stocked up on photos, documented the last year of life in this country the best I could. I got a new camera, took literally thousands of photos. People gave me photos, and music, and other things to remember them by. Then, one day, out of the blue, and for no reason that I can understand, my computer stopped working. Worked normal the night before, went to bed, and the next day it suddenly couldn’t find my hard disk. I took it to the Apple store in town. They said is was probably a loose connection, apparently a common problem with the mac book pro. They’d just reconnect it.

A week and a half later I got my computer back. It was wiped clean. Even though the girl I spoke with said they wouldn’t do that. Everything gone. For me, it’s like losing all of the things that mattered most. Everything that I can take away and physically hold on to for the last year is gone. Everything that I worked on, all my creative outputs- gone. Honestly? I want to scream, cry, hit things, throw things, and just collapse in a heap and give up. Maybe someone else can take over running my life for awhile because clearly I am not proving myself worthy these days.

It shouldn’t seem that important, but to me, it really is. The feeling of loss I got going on right now is actually physical. I feel like a hole has been punched in my chest  and someone scraped out all my insides. And really, World, how many times do I have to go through this? The stupid thing is, that I had a back up drive. It hadn’t been working since shortly after I got this computer. I didn’t have any money, so I couldn’t afford a new one. So while I tried to back things up many times throughout the last year, it never worked. Sigh.

Anyway, this is all the kind of thing I don’t generally share with the world at large. I had a journal I kept, but it was on my computer, and right now I don’t even have Word on this thing, so yeah here it is, hope you enjoy another brief glimpse into the bleakness of my life as it stands lately. I’m just one bundle of fun (yay…). It’s pretty awesome, really. I’m going to go get another cup of coffee. Things have GOT to get better soon.

PS- for those of you that know me, and maybe have photos and such from adventures and things that we went on together, could you maybe send me copies? I like to play with, edit, and do fun things with photos, so anything that’s not in facebook format would so so much appreciated. You have no idea. Thanks.

PPS- don’t forget to back up your files.

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November 2010
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